Auditions: All Cities

Finally, it was the last night we had to put ourselves through the dreaded audition rounds. This is how it went:

With so many clips of people we've seen or never heard or montages, I'm not sure if I'm missing anyone important so if I miss anyone, oh well.

Amy Davis was in for her audition. When was the one who had a Japanese mother but really didn't look Asian. She had nice look to her and a good voice but it was nothing that was going to have her stand out in a crowd. I think in Hollywood she needs to have better song choices if she wants a chance of the Top 24.

Tiffany was up next. She looks just like a crack addict version of Amani Toomer of the NY Giants in drag. The scary thing is that "God told her to audition." Man...she should stop talking to God and listening to his advice if he's telling her to audition. She sings "Hallelujah" and it was more like "Holyshitahhhhhhh." Hey Tiff...tuck your penis in, put on some jeans, and get back to your job stocking cereal in the supermarket.

The creepiest part of the night had to be Chris and Coby sharing their girlfriend Ashley. Chris and Coby are like Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb with out the fat stomachs. These two are far from Rhode Scholars and their girlfriend is as dumb as nails. This is what happens when your parents work in a KY Jelly factory and try and pick up their kids before cleaning their hands. The babies get dropped on their heads. I'm not sure what the guys were doing rapping but one of the moron twins couldn't remember the words to a stupid unfunny rap song they made up. Then, the chick comes in with a cute dog which was the only thing part of the audition that was worth paying attention to. Plus, the dog's name was Panda. That is the DUMBEST name for a dog EVER. She sings a song called "Red High Heels" but was wearing black heels cause Panda ate them. These three are so stupid that you couldn't even scrip this if you tried.

Then there was Cardin McKinney. For some reason, I've heard her name before. I don't know if she's been on some other reality show but for some reason, this name sounded so familiar. I looked her up to see if I could find where is from and I found nothing but pretty pictures. Her voice was very Broadway but I think she had a unique look and a good voice so she'll go deep. I really think she could make Top 24 and beyond.

And let's not forget JoAnne, the plus-sized model. She's sung before at Madison Square Garden so I thought this girl was gonna have some good pipes. Her pipes must have been clogged as I was not impressed and neither were the judges. I guess it's back to MSG or the Izod Center doing the National Anthem for Indoor Lacrosse games.

The most interesting performance of the night belonged to Alesha. I hated this girl's teeth but she had a decent look to her. I didn't hate the singing as much as Simon and Paula said she sounded like Dolly Parton. So, they asked her to come back, learn a Dolly song, and re-audition which she did. I think every year they have someone go on a wild goose chase to learn a song and then come back. This year, Alesha was that sucka. Yeah, she did sing nice in a country twang but Top 24? Hell no. Time to get a job working 9 to 5.

Joshua "Smooth" Moreland came in with his big teeth, this ridiculous red coat, and these stupid sunglasses thinking he was P. Diddy or some other rap icon. I didn't like his appearance. I didn't like his accessories. I didn't like his voice. I hope he has the receipt to return that coat to the costume shop where he purchased it.

Next up was Chikezie Ese. What was that? Chimpanzee? Chicken of the Sea? What was his name? Before he sang, do you really think anyone is gonna buy a CD from Chikezie? The f**ked up thing was that his voice was smooth. Could he make the Top 24? Yeah...he has a shot. But, I surely wouldn't bet my testicle on it.

Finally, knock on wood, was the last audition we were going to have to sit through. This one belonged to Danny Noriega. Before a word even came out of his mouth, I knew I was gonna hate him. He could be this years John Stevens, Kevin Covais, or Sanjaya. I hope I'm wrong as I can't deal with this kid for the next 3 months. His voice was OK but there is something about this kid that rubs me the wrong way. I just have to hope he flops in Hollywood which is just a week away.

Early predictions on my Top 12 come out immediately after the Top 24 is revealed. Early favorites are David Cook vs. Kristy Lee Cook in the finals but I could be SO wrong. Until next week...Birdman out.