New York / Puerto Rico Auditions

Well, they saved the most boring show for last. First of all, 9 people from Puerto Rico made it and 26 from New York. Isn't New York the capitol of the world? Why did New York have to share half of the time with Puerto Rico? Of the 26 people from New York that made it, they showed us maybe three or four worthy of Hollywood. So, here is now the final audition night (back and fourth between NY and PR) went :

First up is Adeola who has a terrible accent and quit her job to audition. Obviously, even before she sang, this was a huge mistake. She totally botches a Jennifer Hudson song and the rest of the her screen time seemed staged to have Simon call up her boss, get him on the phone, and ask them to give Adeola her job back. Come on...this was all set up by the producers. It wasn't believable for a second.

Down in San Juan was Jorge Nunez, I wasn't really sure what he was telling us as he had a tough accent. She sings some Spanish song and he has a great smooth and powerful voice. Then, she sings "What A Wonderful World" in English and nailed it. Idol hasn't had a good Latino on its show since AJ Helton and he wasn't even that good. So, good for Jorge !

Then came Jessika Baier how has won over 700 singing contests plus, was voted "World's Most Beautiful Baby". When they showed her baby picture, there must have only been one or two other people in that baby competition as she wasn't even a cute baby. So, Jessika, who flew to Puerto Rico from Michigan, sings Celine Dion and it was destructive to my eardrum. How did she win 700 contests unless she was in trashy county fairs against people with no teeth up. Or, she sang for contests sponsored by the hearing impaired. Hey....I can even win a singing contest if I flew to Wyoming and entered a singing contest at the local YMCA and I'm tone deaf. She claims she was nervous after the judges destroyed her dreams. It actually brought me much joy to see this chick cry. Hopefully she was able to enjoy the rest of her stay in Puerto Rico.

Next up is Melinda Camille who loves to dance naked and wants to be in a nudist colony. Uh, okay...whatever floats her boat. She actually was a terrible dancer but had a great personality. She just needs to massage her gums a bit as they were a bit overwhelming when she smiled. Anyway, she sang "Feeling Good" and it was actually good, a bit like Vonzell Solomon (one of my favorites). And if her music career fails, she could always strip for Hustler magazine.

Jackie Tohn was next to show what she got. She sings a Jason Mraz song so I knew it was going to be annoying as all Jason Mraz songs are. And I was right...it was indeed annoying. It was like Melissa Ethridge was doing Mraz but worse. Her voice was very scratchy as if she would smoke 2 packs of cigarettes a day. This girl really bothered me but she did something right as the judges gave her a trip to Hollywood. However, I don't see her advancing past that, knock on wood.

The most annoying audition then went to Joel Contreras who came out in a cardboard cutout of a giant iPod. So, right off the bat, you knew this wasn't going to be good and he was doing anything possible to get TV time. And it worked...they showed him on TV. But, as for his singing, it was truly three minutes of my life that I'll never be able to get back.

Nick Mitchell or Norman Gentle was next. This guy was a total loser and trying to be funny as well and it also annoyed the hell out of me. The guy had NO talent and a terrible voice and since he made them laugh, they gave him a pass to Hollywood. He'll be part of the first cut on Tuesday as he really sucks.

Monique Garcia Torres comes in and brings along her kid brother as her good luck charm. She first sings "You Can't Hurry Love" by the Supremes and then they let her sing "I Turn To You" by Christina Aguilara. She had an average voice at best but I guess it worked out to bring her brother as they didn't want to break her heart in front of him so she got the Hollywood ticket.

The most irritating person of last season was now back - Alexis Cohen. She was that crazy rocker, white trash chick from last year that gave the judges the finger. She's disgusting and she tried her best to make her as pretty as possible this year but looked just as disgusting but in a different way. It wouldn't matter what she sang as she had no talent but she chose "Like A Prayer" which is basically her odds to advanced. Of course she didn't get the golden ticket and followed it up with her patented fingers at the judges. Let's hope we don't see her again next year.

Finally, we were down to the last auditioner, Patricia Roman who looks a bit like a Puerto Rican Leona Lewis. So, you'd figure the last person we saw would be really good. NOPE ! She chose Whitney Houston. Haven't people learned NOT to touch a Whitney song? Basically, enough said.
So, Hollywood week starts next week. We've seen a lot of garbage so it may not be that hard to determine the Top 36 so I'm gonna take a stab at it: Actually, I'm only able to come up with 15 girls and 15 guys which is 30 so maybe there are three of each gender we really didn't get to see.

So, I now present 30 of the Top 36 (in no particular order)

GIRLS:
Emily Hughes
Stevie Wright
Deanna Brown
Jessica Paige Furney
Asa Barnes
Lil Rounds
Joanna Pacitti
Alexis Grace
Sharon Wilbur
Jasmine Murray
Anne Marie Boskovich
Frankie Jordan
Megan Corkey
Taylor Vaifuana
Rose Flack

BOYS:
Michael Sarver
Cody Sheldon
Alex Wagner-Trugman
Scott MacEntyre
Matt Breitzke
Danny Gokey
Adam Lambert
Kai Kalama
Brent Keith
Matt Giraud
Joshua Ulloa
TK Hash
David Osmond
Austin Sisnieros
Jorge Nunez

Until Hollywood Week...Birdman Out.

Salt Lake City Auditions

Well, the auditions now take use to Salt Lake City. Would the Mormons be out auditioning? Would there be talent? Would there be crap? Let's see:

First up was off spring from everyone's favorite Utah family, The Osmonds. The person is David Osmond, son of Alan, one of the quadrillion Osmonds from the variety show of the 70's. At first, I thought he had an unfair advantage due to his last name but right off the bat, we found out that this guy has got a story as he is suffering from MS and had recently been in a wheel chair. He chooses an odd song from Take 6 but one line into the song, I turn to my wife and say, "This could be our next American Idol." The guy had all the tools - the look, the story, the personality,the stage presence, and the voice. So you heard it here first - David Osmond is your next American Idol. And if I'm wrong, Meatloaf said it best, "Two out of Three Ain't Bad." Plus, I'll blame the loss on Donny and Marie's cheese factor which could scare away voters. But, from what I've seen the past three weeks, I think we got a winner.

So, we now go from great to not so great in the form of Tara Matthews. She comes out in this red hair, black outfit with a mini skirt and stockings almost half way up her thighs but they should have been pulled up all the way to hide her chub. I don't get the whole "goth" thing. People who go goth I know are trying to make a statement but I'm not sure what that statement is. It sure ain't a fashion statement. Hey...if they want to dress like that, then go ahead. It only gives me more material to make fun of. Anyway, she tells us she has ESP. She should have used her ESP to know what the judges were gonna say so she could spare herself the embarrassment of her audition. She sings a song from the "Moulin Rouge" soundtrack but she probably should have sung a song from "The Toxic Avenger." The singing was hideous and I'm sure there were at least a handful of people who committed suicide while watching her performance.

After a montage of garbage, we get to meet Chris Kirkham who brings his friend dressed up as a pink rabbit and says its his good luck charm. He also is holding a picture of Simon glued to a tongue depressor. Not sure what that was all about but his gimmick wasn't going to work. He starts with "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" and the judges ask the bunny to move away. He then sings some other song which I've never heard of. So, Chris and his bunny can hop out of the audition room and see if they can book a gig for Easter.

Next up was Frankie Jordan who is a stay-at-home mom. She looks a bit like Sarah Silverman whom I can't stand so I'm already dreading her sing. She has this Amy Winehouse vibe to her and I can't stand Winehouse. I'm sick of Amy's drug use. I'm sick of hearing about her arrests. I'm sick of hearing about her loser husband. She's repulsive to look at and I think her music is beyond horrible and I don't understand why she wins awards. I guess the people who vote for the Grammy's and other awards must be deaf and blind. Anyway, about a sentence into Frankie Jordan, I said, "I fucking hate this." I seriously hated it and I know she has a chance to be in the Top 12 as the judges liked her. I am rooting for her to flop in Hollywood or beg people not to vote for her if she makes the Top 36.

Then came Megan Corkey, another mother. What is it with all these Utah girls getting knocked up in their low 20's? I thought they refrain from sex in Utah? So, Megan comes out with a Carley Smithson arm - all tattooed up. I have no issues with a tattoo here or there but if you cover an entire arm, you look a bit ridiculous. That's my opinion so if you are reading this and have a body part completely covered, don't be offended that I think you look ridiculous. She is good looking and actually has nice teeth but what came out of the mouth really annoyed me. I thought it was weird, annoying, strange, and bad. However, the judges loved it and Simon said she was one of his favorites. Hopefully she can show off her voice better with a better song as I don't hate her but hated her audition. She could be standing in the Top 12 if the pieces fall right.

Following Megan was Austin Sisneros who is the senior class president of his high school. He was auditioning to inspire people. Okay, whatever dude. He first sings a song from Train which I've never heard of. He actually had a good voice but gets to sing a bit of another song. He chooses Raffi. What high school kid even knows a song by Raffi. I'm in my upper 30's and I couldn't even name a Raffi song let alone sing one. Lucky for Austin that he has a good personality and a nice voice so he'll be one of those ones that sweats it out in Hollywood week but could have his heart broken.

Next up is Taylor Vaifanua who was raised as an island singer. She's really tall so if she fails at singing, there is always life as a person who stands on ladders in the islands and knocks the coconuts down. She sang this song about Jesus and the Lord. Come on. Anytime someone does this, you think of a church choir. We are looking for America's next Idol, not America's best lead in your town choir. Lucky for her, she had a nice voice so hopefully, for her sake, she sings something more appealing come Hollywood.

Finally, its Rose Flack's turn to audition. She had this messy blond hair. What is weird is that from one side looking at her, she was attractive. From the other side, she was dirty and from the front, she looked like complete white trash. Her parents are both deceased and is living with another family. Her voice didn't blow me away but it was adequate. She has a good personality so with some dental work, and a fashion / beauty makeover, they could make her look decent. I think she could be headed for heartbreak in the final round of Hollywood.

It basically all doesn't matter. Unless there is a major standout from East Rutherford or Puerto Rico, David Osmond will be crowned champion in May.

But for now, Birdman out.

Jacksonville Auditions

Well, the auditions now took us to Jacksonville which had a few gems and a bunch more duds. So, here's how the night played out:

First up was Joshua Ulloa whom they said looked like Justin Guarini. Well, this guy did had a lot of hair but I don't think he looked a thing like Guarini. I wasn't sure what this guy's issue was at first as he was making these strange poses but then he starts up singing Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On" and I think we have one of the front runners. This guy has a smooth voice, a bit like Elliot Yamin, but with more soul. He also does these sound effects, sort of like beat boxing but not to the extreme of Blake Lewis. This guy's original and remember the name - Joshua Ulloa - as we'll be watching him for a few months.

Then came Sharon Wilbur. First of all, I hate the last name "Wilbur" but that's probably because my daughter watched "Charlotte's Web" for three straight months in the kitchen while eating dinner. Anyway, Sharon has a dog with her named Sasha to help keep her relaxed. She has a good look to her except for the long hippie dress she was wearing. I think they need to show off more of her instead of her wearing this moo-moo dress as she has a marketable look to her. She sings "Superstar" and while it started off a bit scratchy for me, she put it together as the song went on. She's a lock for the top 36 and there is a chance she could squeak into the Top 12 if the chips fall right.

We then briefly get to see Dana Moreno with her red shirt and Michael Jackson hat. She is beyond out of tune as she butchers "Through The Fire" so I'm glad they didn't give her much more air time that what we saw.

Then came Kanewsa Finnie, the 16 year old who came with her mom. She was a bit nervous but it didn't really matter as she destroyed "Caught Up In The Rapture Of Love." Her mom believes her daughter is a good singer. This is where a mother needs to stop lying to her daughter and just tell her the truth already. Or, Kaneswa should just divorce herself from her mom as Drew Barrymore did in "Irreconcilable Differences."

Next up was Julissa Veloz, tho came out with her Tiara and ribbon around her chest (I know they call this something but I can't think of what its called) from some Latino beauty pageant. Julissa does Whitney and I hated it but the judges loved her. Maybe she turns out to be good and gets to the top 36 but I'm not on the Julissa bandwagon and by the way, I HATE girls who do pageants. Ever see those shows on cable...they are all creepy and come from creepy families.

Following was Darin Darnell who has an Usher-like look to him. I thought this guy was gonna be great as he had the look but after he "sang" Boys II Men's "It's So hard To Say Good-bye To Yesterday," he surely doesn't have the chops. If you could get arrested for murdering a song, they'd lock this guy up for 20+ years.

Naomi Sykes was next. She has this Debbie Gibsonish, Ashley Tisdaleish, duck like look to herself. She also claims to sing like Mariah Carey so when she sang the first line of "Loving You" all I thought was "SIGN HER UP!!!" NOT ! She was like the tootsie pop owl - first she sucked and then she bit. She had got to be tone deaf to think she sings like Mariah. I'd rather force down a bowl of rice pudding or cottage cheese than to have to ever listen to this chick sing again. Then, she started to cry. I want to barf when they cry and get the hug from the judges. They should let them cry with out the hug as far as I'm concerned.

At the end of day one, only nice people have made it through to Hollywood. So, here's how day two went:

The second day starts with Jasmine Murray singing Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry." First of all, she has a story about her mom's health problems and how Jasmine wasn't supposed to live so once you know there's a story, she's a lock for the top 36. She did a good job but for my taste, she sounded a bit like Jordin Sparks but not as good. So, that being said, look for her to get eliminated at some point in the Top 36.

Then came George Ramirez, the physics student with this giant beard making him look like this weird looking Omish unibomber dude. He sort of sings "Walking On the Sunshine" and it was more like Barfing Of The Sidewalk. Come on ...what this like a non-real orgasm - aka FAKE? I couldn't tell if this was all staged to get on TV but either way, he was still a bit off.

In walks Anne Marie Boskovich who basically started off singing a bit of a Kara song that no one would EVER know. Okay...great ass kissing Anne Marie. So, now was the annual audition where they give someone time to either change their image or song and come back. This happens once a season and Anne Marie was that person this year. So, I'll get back into Anne Marie one she comes back.

Following was TK Hash (sounds like some sort of drug to me). He auditioned last year for Idol and didn't make it and I'm not sure why. He could is The Black Elliot Yamin. I loved that he did a version of "Imagine" that was different and had the ability this early in the competition to change it up. He did a great job and I can totally see him in the Top 12 this year.

Michael Perrelli was up next. This is the guy that has a fetish with his guitar but unfortunately, he is not allowed to use the guitar at this stage of the game. He sings "Hey, Deliah" and then "Jumper" and I thought he did a decent enough job to get to Hollywood as I would have loved to have seen him sing with the guitar. But, unfortunately, this guy is an emotional mess and didn't make it. He had talent and I hope he doesn't turn out to be this year's Josiah Lemming.

Annie Marie is now back, all dolled up in makeup and a skirt and looking a lot more attractive. She looked a bit like Audrina Partridge less the cross eyes. But, I thought she did a great job singing. As for the Top 12, she's on the bubble but I can totally see her on in the Top 36.

So, 16 people from Jacksonville are heading to Hollywood. Tomorrow night, we go to Salt Lake City to see how the Mormons sing. Until then, Birdman Out.

Louisville Auditions

First of all, after watching the Louisville auditions, I vow to NEVER go to that city. What a bunch of inbreds. I must say that Louisville was much better than San Francisco so let's see what went down:

First up is Tiffany Shedd. She was the 18 year old blond, with black eyebrows, and that HUGE mole on her breasts. If you are gonna wear a shirt that shows cleavage, you need to get that thing removed. She was such a hick with a terrible accent. She tells us that she sings private concerts for her mother. Okay...that would make your album sales equal 1. That's 499,999 more to go to get gold album. Anyway, she went the Mariah Carey route of singing "Hero". Now, I know she wasn't deaf and I know she didn't have laryngitis so there was no excuse for the judges to let her sing more than the first sentence. She claims she is "never gonna give up" so I guess that means more concerts for her mother (that poor woman).

The next contestant we see is Joanna Pacitti. She's the pretty one with nice eyes and dark hair. She's been in the music business and has been signed by A&M. I guess she's this year's Carley Smithson. She decided to sing "We Belong" by Pat Benatar which was a great choice. I think between voice, personality and appearance, she could be on the cusp of the Top 12.

Then came Mark Mudd wearing those stupid ties with the rubber stands hanging down looking like a stethoscope. These things should be banned. Our vice principal in high school wore one of these and looked like a total jackass. Anyway, this Mudd guy is the product of what happens when first cousins mate. He's a bit "off" and looks like he's on death row or soon to be on it after threatening the judges with his "be careful." Hey...if he's gonna kill someone, make it be Kara. Anyway, where's this guy's teeth? And, he said he's 25 years old but looks 40. I'm not sure what the hell he was singing but it didn't matter as he has as much talent as a circus clown's pubic hair.

Following was Brent Keith. Supposedly, he was a finalist from "Nashville Star" but I guess that didn't pan out. This guy has a good look and girls will love him. He reminds me a bit like Chris Richardson but better looking and a much better singer. He sings a Bad Company song and did a good job. He'll be standing there in the top 36 for sure.

After a montage of some pathetic souls, out came Matt Giraud, the dueling piano player. Supposedly, he taught himself how to play piano four years ago with out a lesson. This guy was one of my favorites for all the audition episodes so far. If he improves his personality, he could go deep. I'm looking forward to see what he can really do while singing with a piano. But, this guy could be a dark horse this season.

Then there was Ross Bradley Plavsic, another Kentucky inbred. He was talking about Chinese characters and their radicals. I'm not sure what the f**k he was talking about nor do I care. I just wanted to hear him sing and then get the boot as you knew that was gonna happen. He has this odd voice where is sounds almost like a ghost or a ghoul. I guess he could probably do a great rendition of "The Monster Mash" but I don't see him doing any more in the music world besides that. I guess it's back to his arithmetic dissection of the Chinese logarithms and radical hypothesis theory.

That ended the first day. I believe they said that ten contestants made it through to Hollywood. I think they showed us only like three of them. Come on...I want to see people that can sing. If I wanted to see shitty singing, I can watching myself sing in the mirror.

Kicking off day two was Alexis Grace. She was the cute girl that has a daughter that she takes care of while the father attends military school. She actually did a great job and has a strong voice. Her singing wasn't quite my taste but she did a good job. She'll be in the Top 36 but I'm not sure if she can squeak into the Top 12. But, she has a good story and they gave her a lot of air time so who knows. The jury is still out on her.

Then there as Aaron Williamson, another Louisville product. This guy comes out saying "I want to win America's Next Top Model." Ha ha. So, we got a comedian. Dude...you gotta come up with something funnier than that especially if you can't sing. This guy reminds me of Hanging With Mr. Cooper. This guy yells Credence Clearwater's "Have You Ever Seen The Rain" and it was painful, irritating, annoying, loud, bad, etc... I was about to hit Mute on the remote until they finally had this guy stop.

After that disaster, we had Rebecca Garcia, another inbred, who reminded me of a duck. She destroyed a Carrie Underwood song and forgot the words even though she had a cheat sheet on her wrist. The judges thought she just wanted to get on TV as it was so bad and I was thinking the same until she started crying. So, she was either a good actress or she was really serious. I'm glad they offended her and made her cry to give her a reality check. I got one thing to tell you Rebecca, "Quack quack."

For some reason, we then get a montage of four decent singers that make it to Hollywood that we only see a few seconds of. Not sure why we don't see more of these people but we have to sit through Aaron Williamson and Rebecca Garcia.

Finally, the show ends with Leneshe Young. She was the young girl who grew up homeless with her mom and siblings. Yeah, she's got a nice backstory but this girl is totally this year's Paris Bennett less the squeaky voice. She sings an original song which was horrible even though she showed she has a decent voice. She didn't blow me away and she's my first big target of the season - I can't stand this Leneshe chick !

Well, that was it. Another pathetic night had come to an end. My favorites of the night were Joanna Pacitti, Brent Keith, Matt Giraud, and maybe I'll throw Alexis Grace in the mix.

So, only one more week to go until Hollywood week. Until then...Birdman Out.

San Francisco Auditions

Well, it was Inauguration Day and everyone in the country was in good spirits; well, that is until you had to sit through the San Francisco auditions. Twelve people got through to Hollywood and they showed only 5 of them with 3 out of those 5 being in a montage so basically, we saw just two worthy candidates. I thought Idol was going to show us more good singers this year or were the producers just blowing smoke up our asses?

Here's how last nights shit show played out.

First up was Tatiana del Toro, aka #3325, from Puerto Rico to audition. For her sake, I hope she got cheap flights. First of all, she believes in psychics and hers friend who is one told her that she's a lock for the top 12. Wonder if she'll ever believe anything her friend "predicts" for her again. She enters the room in this outfit that is hard to explain. The bottom almost looks like a fairy dress that little kids wear when playing "dress-up." She starts out by giving the judges her press kit with a CD inside. This girl loves herself. She did a decent job singing an Aretha song but this girl was nauseating to me that her personality and appearance overshadowed her voice. After watching her audition, I had to suck on a Tums. And her laughing was beyond annoying; was she being tickled up her skirt?. She made it to Hollywood but I'd almost bet a testicle that she ain't going any further than that. I just found out that one of the Puerto Rican girls at work was embarrassed to be Puerto Rican after watching that audition.

After seeing a few brief seconds of train wrecks, we get to meet Dean-Anthony Bradford who comes out in this huge plaid coat. He looks like a cross between a Spanish Andrew Dice Clay as a werewolf combined with the caveman of the Geico commercials. He moaned some Simply Red song and I've sure we'll never see him again, knock on wood.

Up next was Jesus Valenzuela who actually is dressed decent and looks like a good guy. He has a decent voice even though he sung the sappiest song ever - "Unchained Melody". He needs some eyebrow plucking too. His kids were there with him so he got the benefit out the doubt and made it to Hollywood as I think they were getting desperate to get some people to Hollywood that will never make it.

Next we see Dalton Powell, the Rubik's Cube master. Actually, he was pretty impressive with cube but quite pathetic as a singer. He had such a high pitched voice, almost as if his penis was slammed in a car door and was in some major pain.

Akilah Askew-Gohlston was up next and she has dreams of becoming a gospel singer and studies by using biology diagrams. It doesn't help that she can't even pronounce half of the body parts correctly. She has these blonde braids and is shaped like a Weeble. The first line of her singing went "I want to make sweet love to you." GROSS ! Her voice was very crackly and I started to lose interest in her. It didn't help that the producers gave this moron about 10 minutes of air time. ENOUGH. She better have some other career aspirations or she's gonna have a long, long, long life.

Then, this is what bothered me. We see three good auditions - John Twiford, Allison Iraheta, and Raquel Houghton. Why didn't wee actually get to hear more than three seconds of their voice? Instead we had to sit through Akilah and the Bee.

Following that was Annie Murdoch. She's the dump blond who didn't even know what she was going to sing before entering the room. She looked like a drunk Courtney Thorne Smith and her voice was off-key. I almost got a Jujubee jammed in my throat when I heard her first lyric come out of her mouth. She was very clueless and indecisive. For her sake, she better marry rich because she's too dumb to secure a job.

Then came Adam Lambert who had a David Cookish kind of look to him. He also looked a bit like Jerry O'Connell dressed as Fall Out Boy. This guy had personality so you knew he was going to have decent pipes. He chose to sing "Bohemian Rhapsody" and did a great job. Yeah, I agree with Simon that it was a bit Broadway but I liked it. They'll fix him up a bit and little girls will love him. I think he is a lock to make the Top 5 and could even go further depending on how he chooses to portray himself - a rock star or a broadway star.

Finally, this boring show was going to end with Kai Kalama. When I first saw him, I thought - hmmmm...good looking terrorist. But, that turned around quickly when I heard him speak and found out that he takes care of his mom while playing music at night. I didn't love his song choice; a song from The Platters. I would have loved to have heard something more recent. However, he was GREAT and could easily be in the Top 12 as well.

So, the show ended on an upbeat note with Adam and Kai but the rest of the show was complete garbage. At least we are half way to the Hollywood round; only three more painful nights of auditions before things get interesting.

But until then...Birdman Out.

Kansas City Auditions

Idol now moved on to Kansas City, hometown of last year's winner, David Cook. The odds of the winner coming from the same city two years in a row are as likely as the Jets even winning the Super Bowl. Still, let's see how it went down.

First up is Chelsea Marquardt. When she first came out, I thought she was a pretty blonde and was going to do great. Well, I guess that is why there's that old saying that you can't judge a book by its cover. She was painful. It was almost like hearing someone take a scissor and scratch it against a chalk board. She sounded a bit like a dying sheep.

Following that nightmare was Ashley Anderson who was auditioning with a Leona Lewis song which Simon Cowell was a writer for. Smart choice if she could pull it off. However this dope botched one of the first lyrics saying "footsteps" instead of "footprints". I guess it wasn't a smart song choice. However, she did managed to pull it together.

Then there was Casey Carlson.. He's a bubble tea maker. Yup...you heard me...bubble tea. Anyone ever hear of that before? She's a pretty, bubbly girl so I had high expectations based on initial appearance. She sings that Vanessa Carlton song, "A Thousand Miles." She had a decent voice but it didn't blow me away. She made it to Hollywood but will need to step it up a bit if she wants to make the top 36. Maybe she should get the judges drunk on bubble tea.

Brian Hetter was up next. He was that big guy with the beard, the Fonzie jacket, and the leotards under it. It was a bit too ballet goes goth for me. He's trained in opera so maybe he would be able to belt out something good. He attempts Aretha Franklin's "Think" and he should have thought about it before embarrassing himself. It was as if I was listening to a weird Elvis in a bad Vegas show. Then, he attempted Josh Groban and that turned out to be worse that Aretha. I think he needs career counseling.

Here was Von Smith coming out in his pimp hat. He has a weird song choice of "Over The Rainbow" which most guys would never attempt. I thought it started off a bit weak and then he kicked it up a notch. He made it to Hollywood but he should ditch the stupid hat.

Now came the most interesting part of the night, Jason Castro's brother, Michael. Jason was the pot smoking, laid back, dread locked dude last year. His brother is a complete 180. He's got short pink punk hair, much more feminine, and can actually sing. He's a bit too in the 80's looking like a backup singer with Flock of Seagulls but I actually liked it in a weird kind of way. He just started singing about a year ago and is much better than his brother could ever imagine.

Vaughn English was next and he came out in yellow and with a banana and sung a song about bananas. Not sure what the banana fetish was but I wouldn't want to be around him with a frozen banana.

Next up was Matt Breitzke who looked like a prison convict. He's actually a welder and definitely surprised me with his voice. He was smooth and edgy and could be one of the rockers to reckon with this season unless this audition was a fluke. But, I really liked this guy from the first note of "Ain't No Sunshine."

Following was Jasmine Joseph who does a rendition of "Over The Rainbow." She had this weird hat with skulls on it. She definitely lacked fashion, that's for sure. She was just scary with her red and blue hair...she looked like an army soldier with a flag on her head. He voice, well, if my feces could sing, Jasmine would lose out.

Then it was Jessica Paige Furney's turn to wow the judges. Right when they showed the cameras in her hometown, she was a shoe-in. She lives with her 93 year old granny. She sung Joplin's "Cry Baby" and nailed it. She was one of my favorite girls of the night.

But then it got a bit bizarre with Asia and India auditioning together. They came out with a horrific rap song together and JayZ must have been barfing if he had been listening. They then auditioned separate with Asia, the obese one, having as much talent as I to in my pinky toe. But, India actually did a good job. When they left the auditions, they were greeted by their family - China, Europe, and Zimbawbe.

Next up is Jamar Rogers a bartender, who sung "California Dreamin'" and made it his own. The problem I had with him is that I thought he looked a bit like Derek Jeter so watching Jeter sing songs came off as a bit weird for me but I liked this guy.

However, his best friend, Danny Gokey, stole the show. Right when they said he had lost his wife four weeks ago, I was praying that this guy could sing. Right when he belted "I Heard It Through The Grapevine", that was it. He was the best person we've heard so far this season. I'm not calling him the winner yet; but this guy, if he can hold his emotions together could easily make the TOP 5 if not win it all. Yup...he's really that good. Plus, he got the sympathy vote as well.

Then came Anoop Desai who was the second person to sing "Thank You" by Boyz II men. What stood out right away was his giant eyebrows which looked like two fuzzy caterpillars above his eyes but that didn't matter, those could always be thinned. Indians have not done well in the American Idol competition but this guy could be the first to make the Top 12 if the chips fall right.

After Andrew Lang and his cheerleaders failed miserably, out came Asa Barnes, the band director from Kansas City. He was definitely that Brandon Rogers from last season who squeaked into the Top 12. He sung a decent version of Michael Jackson's "The Way You Make Me Feel" I think Asa has talent but it could be tough for him to go into the Top 36 but he's on the bubble.

But things got quickly creepy when Michael Nicewonder came out. He looked like a stunt double for Jim Carey in "Dumb & Dumber." He won a medal for best vocals in elementary school music class. Wow...now that's an accomplishment. It turns out that he's related to Hank Williams Jr. If that's not true, Hank should immediately file a lawsuit. This dude looks like a slightly mental child molester that works in the stock room of a post office. I can't even remember what he sung but it wasn't pleasant.

Then came Dennis Brigham. He's a bit too perky for me with his backflips and bad dancing whole doing a Chris Brown song. The entire song was sun out his nostrils. I almost wished he had a cold as that would have at least been a good excuse for his lack of vocal skills.

Up next was Mia Conley, another local. She destroyed whatever song she was singing. She looked a bit like Trenyce' on acid. Maybe we'll see her again...on the blooper reel.

Finally, the show ended with Lil Rounds. She has an interesting name but a great voice. Randy compared her to Fantasia but this girl is a combination of Tamayra, Latoya, Vonzell and Jordan (Sparks). Look for Idol to fix up her image and glide into the Top 12. She could wind up being the strongest female in the competition.

So, that was Kansas City. My favorites were Matt Breitzke, Jessica Paige Furney, Danny Gokey, Asa Barnes, and Lil Rounds.

See ya next week.

Birdman Out.

American Idol Is Back: Phoenix Auditions

Well, another year of American Idol has begun with so many new questions to ponder? Will Paula Abdul be on as many drugs as she's been on the past few seasons? Will Randy stop saying "Dawg." Will the new judge Kara DioGuardi be as annoying as I think she will be? Will Simon go softer on the contestants due to the Paula Goodspeed suicide? I believe these answers are Yes, No, Yes, and No.

But, it's time to focus on the singers. Who will be this year's American Idol? Will it be someone as bad as Fantasia Barrino? Will it be someone who sells less albums that Taylor Hicks? Will it be someone who has nicer legs than Haley Scarnato or nicer cleavage than Katherine McPhee? Will the winner have a better voice than Clay Aiken or be a bigger drug addict than Nikki McKibbin? Or could the winner be as squeaky as Paris Bennett or someone as overrated as Ruben Studdard? Who will be this year's Sanjaya Malakar as one of the worst singers to dawn the Idol stage? Will we have a person that has no midsection like Melinda Doolittle or someone as unforgettable as Julia Demato? Or will we have another dreadlocked pot head who cant sing make it deep ala Jason Castro? Or, will someone as annoying as Mikelah Gordon make the top 12? Could it be someone as dumb as Kellie Pickler or someone right from the trailer like Bucky Covington? Or how about someone as cheesy as Ace Young or someone as boring as John Stevens? Who knows. But, I'll be ready to pick my winner over the next two weeks. I'm 2 for 2 the past two years calling the winner in the early auditions round so if I make an early call, starting placing that bet in Vegas as it could be a sure thing!

Already looking at the calendar, I know the Idol finale is probably May 20th. We are due to give birth on May 31st so you know I'll be in the hospital for the big finale. That would be just my luck. So, let's delve into what happened last night when season 8 kicked off from Phoenix. Wait...did I just say "delve?" Please shoot me as I HATE that stupid word.

First of all, we had a brief power outage so the first person I saw was the dude with the big afro - Tuan Nguyen. What the hell was that on his head? I bet you there are bees and other insect that life in that nest. Dude...it's the 2000's...get out of the 70's and shave that muff off because you look ridiculous. He tells the judges he wasn't to be as BIG as Michael Jackson and Britney Spears. Okay...good luck with that. It figures he sung (or butchered) a Michael Jackson song, "The Way You Make Me Feel". I feel embarrassed for him that 20 million people watched him make a complete jackass out of himself.

Next up was Emily Hughes. When I saw her, I was like "Uh-Oh!" She had this pinkish / yellowish Cindi Lauper like, Nikki McKibbinish hair, tons of tattoos, those huge earrings that stretch your earlobe out, and a lip ring. Hey...it's her choice but people who do that can't really think they look good...right? I know they are trying to make a statement but I'm not quite sure what that statement is. It surely isn't a fashion statement. She was to sing Heart's "Barracuda" and I thought she was gonna be terrible but Kudos to Emily; she was the first good singer of the night. She had a good rocker voice; much better than that pig, Amanda Overmyer, from last season. She should be a lock for the top 36.

Then there was Randy Madden. He was such the Axel Rose wannabee coming out in his rocker outfit that was leftover from Halloween with his stupid bandana on his head. Come on dude. Don't you ever watch the show? Did Bo Bice, Constantine, David Cook, or Daughtry EVER come out looking so ridiculous? I actually still had hope since he was this emotional guy. But, when he destroyed Bon Jovi's "Livin On A Prayer," I was ready to see him cry some more. Boo Hoo...so sad...NOT ! He said he's never had a singing lesson or has never been in a band. It definitely showed.

J.B. Ahfua was next. He was that Phillipino looking kid with the good voice. He reminded me of a smaller R.J. Helton but he was decent. He has a chance of making it into the Top 36 but he's definitely not Top 12 material. But, he did sing Rubeen Studard's "Flying With Out Wings." When will these people learn NOT to sing a prior Idol's coronation song.

Following him was Michael Gurr. This kid was dorky, sweaty, and wearing a shirt right off the K-Mart racks. He sang almost as if he was on the toilet having diarreha. What was that sound coming out of his mouth? Dead people at the morgue can sing better. And, he picked a Carrie Underwood song. Dude....don't sing a song from a chick who won Idol especially if you are a guy. Scary. After his audition, he had to get medical attention. Hopefully the doctors take out his voice box.

Next up was Aundre "X-Ray" Caraway with is guitar. He was this mariachi looking guy who couldn't dance or sing and didn't even use the guitar for the audition. He was singing something about a cactus and then he started moaning towards the end of the song? Was he having an orgasm? I really don't want to know the answer to that question.

Ariana Afsar, a 16 year old girl, came out next. I wasn't sure what she sang but had an OK voice. The judges seemed to like her so good luck in Hollywood as she won't really get any further than that. I wasn't totally sold on her. Time to finish up high school dudette

Then there was Elijah Scarlett. Was this guy right out of "The Gods Must Be Crazy?" (That's a movie if you didn't know). He had the deepest voice you've ever heard. He wasn't the brightest fellow either. He must have been dropped on a rock as a youngster. At least he'll have a prosperous career as a cashier.

One of the most annoying girls of the night was next, Lea Marie Golde. She was the girl in the pink cowboy hat, pink shirt, and jean mini skirt. I wanted to gag her the second I saw her even before she sang. Then, she had this stupid book of songs she wrote to show to Kara. Come on...enough with the ass kissing. He singing was so nasal and not quite good which came as a shock to her. It's time to either burn the song book or sell it to someone with a voice. She sounded like she was in a bad high school play for the partially deaf. I'm so glad she won't be in Hollywood as I may have slit my wrists if I had to see this chick again.

Then came Stevie Wright, (not to be confused with the comedian Steven Wright) named after Stevie Nicks. She sang Etta James' "At Last" and did a great job, plus, she has personality. About time someone with nice pipes. She should be a lock for the Top 36.

And could we possible see two good singers in a row? YES. Michael Sarver was next to audition. He was the big guy who worked on oil rigs. When he said he was gonna sing Boys II Men's "Thank You.", I got a bit scared but I LOVED it. He reminded me a bit of Matthew Rogers of Season 3 but even better. What white guy do you know who could pull off Boys II Men besides myself in a shower? He was my favorite at this point of the show so far.

Then, auditioning was Katrina Darrell, aka The Chick In The Bikini. Yeah, she had a nice body with small boobs and nice legs. Yup...we found this year's Haley Scarnato. This girl wasn't terrible but wasn't fantastic. I've heard a lot worse so she'll have a chance in Hollywood to see if she can improve. I loved that she was going back and fourth with Kara (the judge) who is dead weight as far as I'm concerned. I give her an A for looks and a C+ for talent.

Following the nudity was Sexual Chocolate, Eric Thomas. He destroyed a Stevie Wonder song. When I heard this, I was wishing Stevie Wonder was deaf instead of blind.

Then there was Brianna Quijada. She first sang "Let's Hear It For The Boy" from Footloose and it was Ehhhhhh. Since she had a good personality, they let her sing "Killing Me Softly" and it was "Killing Me Period". She just wasn't prepared and maybe a bit nervous. Better luck next year gal.

Deanna Brown was next singing "Dock Of The Bay". She was plain and blonde but look what they did with Brooke White last year. She had a good voice so she could easily make the Top 36 and I'm sure they'll improve her image as well.

Cody Sheldon was next to audition. He reminded me a bit of Danielle Noriega (Daniel) of last season but not Asian. This guy was into horror films and thought he was gonna sing an edgier song but sung "Wonderful World" and he was wonderful. I thought he did great. I hope he doesn't take the Josiah Lemming route and get too cocky in Hollywood as this kid belongs in the Top 36 for sure.

Following was Alex Wagner -Trugman (I think that was his last name). He was a bit dorky but so was Clay Aiken when he first auditioned. He also likes to sing in the closet because of mold. Gross. Why don't his parents get rid of the mold? He sang a James Ingram song and I liked it. He'll be on the bubble for the Top 36 but I'd root for this kid.

Finally, Phoenix ended with Scott MacEntyre, aka The Blind Guy. Ray Charles is dead. Stevie Wonder can't sing well anymore. I can't stand Andrea Bochelli. So, I'm ready for the new breed in B.M.T. - Blind Musical Talent. Scott sings Billy Joel's "And So It Goes" and nailed it. And, this guy is also a piano man so once he gets to Hollywood and sits behind a piano, he'll sound even better as that is where he feels most comfortable. I'm totally rooting for this guy and I think he can make it DEEP into the Top 10 for sure.

So, my locks for the Top 36 are: Emily Hughes, Stevie Wright, Michael Sarver, Deanna Brown, Cody Sheldon, and Scott MacEntyre.

See ya tomorrow in Kentucky.

Birdman Out.