Salt Lake City Auditions

Well, the auditions now take use to Salt Lake City. Would the Mormons be out auditioning? Would there be talent? Would there be crap? Let's see:

First up was off spring from everyone's favorite Utah family, The Osmonds. The person is David Osmond, son of Alan, one of the quadrillion Osmonds from the variety show of the 70's. At first, I thought he had an unfair advantage due to his last name but right off the bat, we found out that this guy has got a story as he is suffering from MS and had recently been in a wheel chair. He chooses an odd song from Take 6 but one line into the song, I turn to my wife and say, "This could be our next American Idol." The guy had all the tools - the look, the story, the personality,the stage presence, and the voice. So you heard it here first - David Osmond is your next American Idol. And if I'm wrong, Meatloaf said it best, "Two out of Three Ain't Bad." Plus, I'll blame the loss on Donny and Marie's cheese factor which could scare away voters. But, from what I've seen the past three weeks, I think we got a winner.

So, we now go from great to not so great in the form of Tara Matthews. She comes out in this red hair, black outfit with a mini skirt and stockings almost half way up her thighs but they should have been pulled up all the way to hide her chub. I don't get the whole "goth" thing. People who go goth I know are trying to make a statement but I'm not sure what that statement is. It sure ain't a fashion statement. Hey...if they want to dress like that, then go ahead. It only gives me more material to make fun of. Anyway, she tells us she has ESP. She should have used her ESP to know what the judges were gonna say so she could spare herself the embarrassment of her audition. She sings a song from the "Moulin Rouge" soundtrack but she probably should have sung a song from "The Toxic Avenger." The singing was hideous and I'm sure there were at least a handful of people who committed suicide while watching her performance.

After a montage of garbage, we get to meet Chris Kirkham who brings his friend dressed up as a pink rabbit and says its his good luck charm. He also is holding a picture of Simon glued to a tongue depressor. Not sure what that was all about but his gimmick wasn't going to work. He starts with "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" and the judges ask the bunny to move away. He then sings some other song which I've never heard of. So, Chris and his bunny can hop out of the audition room and see if they can book a gig for Easter.

Next up was Frankie Jordan who is a stay-at-home mom. She looks a bit like Sarah Silverman whom I can't stand so I'm already dreading her sing. She has this Amy Winehouse vibe to her and I can't stand Winehouse. I'm sick of Amy's drug use. I'm sick of hearing about her arrests. I'm sick of hearing about her loser husband. She's repulsive to look at and I think her music is beyond horrible and I don't understand why she wins awards. I guess the people who vote for the Grammy's and other awards must be deaf and blind. Anyway, about a sentence into Frankie Jordan, I said, "I fucking hate this." I seriously hated it and I know she has a chance to be in the Top 12 as the judges liked her. I am rooting for her to flop in Hollywood or beg people not to vote for her if she makes the Top 36.

Then came Megan Corkey, another mother. What is it with all these Utah girls getting knocked up in their low 20's? I thought they refrain from sex in Utah? So, Megan comes out with a Carley Smithson arm - all tattooed up. I have no issues with a tattoo here or there but if you cover an entire arm, you look a bit ridiculous. That's my opinion so if you are reading this and have a body part completely covered, don't be offended that I think you look ridiculous. She is good looking and actually has nice teeth but what came out of the mouth really annoyed me. I thought it was weird, annoying, strange, and bad. However, the judges loved it and Simon said she was one of his favorites. Hopefully she can show off her voice better with a better song as I don't hate her but hated her audition. She could be standing in the Top 12 if the pieces fall right.

Following Megan was Austin Sisneros who is the senior class president of his high school. He was auditioning to inspire people. Okay, whatever dude. He first sings a song from Train which I've never heard of. He actually had a good voice but gets to sing a bit of another song. He chooses Raffi. What high school kid even knows a song by Raffi. I'm in my upper 30's and I couldn't even name a Raffi song let alone sing one. Lucky for Austin that he has a good personality and a nice voice so he'll be one of those ones that sweats it out in Hollywood week but could have his heart broken.

Next up is Taylor Vaifanua who was raised as an island singer. She's really tall so if she fails at singing, there is always life as a person who stands on ladders in the islands and knocks the coconuts down. She sang this song about Jesus and the Lord. Come on. Anytime someone does this, you think of a church choir. We are looking for America's next Idol, not America's best lead in your town choir. Lucky for her, she had a nice voice so hopefully, for her sake, she sings something more appealing come Hollywood.

Finally, its Rose Flack's turn to audition. She had this messy blond hair. What is weird is that from one side looking at her, she was attractive. From the other side, she was dirty and from the front, she looked like complete white trash. Her parents are both deceased and is living with another family. Her voice didn't blow me away but it was adequate. She has a good personality so with some dental work, and a fashion / beauty makeover, they could make her look decent. I think she could be headed for heartbreak in the final round of Hollywood.

It basically all doesn't matter. Unless there is a major standout from East Rutherford or Puerto Rico, David Osmond will be crowned champion in May.

But for now, Birdman out.