San Francisco Auditions

Well, it was Inauguration Day and everyone in the country was in good spirits; well, that is until you had to sit through the San Francisco auditions. Twelve people got through to Hollywood and they showed only 5 of them with 3 out of those 5 being in a montage so basically, we saw just two worthy candidates. I thought Idol was going to show us more good singers this year or were the producers just blowing smoke up our asses?

Here's how last nights shit show played out.

First up was Tatiana del Toro, aka #3325, from Puerto Rico to audition. For her sake, I hope she got cheap flights. First of all, she believes in psychics and hers friend who is one told her that she's a lock for the top 12. Wonder if she'll ever believe anything her friend "predicts" for her again. She enters the room in this outfit that is hard to explain. The bottom almost looks like a fairy dress that little kids wear when playing "dress-up." She starts out by giving the judges her press kit with a CD inside. This girl loves herself. She did a decent job singing an Aretha song but this girl was nauseating to me that her personality and appearance overshadowed her voice. After watching her audition, I had to suck on a Tums. And her laughing was beyond annoying; was she being tickled up her skirt?. She made it to Hollywood but I'd almost bet a testicle that she ain't going any further than that. I just found out that one of the Puerto Rican girls at work was embarrassed to be Puerto Rican after watching that audition.

After seeing a few brief seconds of train wrecks, we get to meet Dean-Anthony Bradford who comes out in this huge plaid coat. He looks like a cross between a Spanish Andrew Dice Clay as a werewolf combined with the caveman of the Geico commercials. He moaned some Simply Red song and I've sure we'll never see him again, knock on wood.

Up next was Jesus Valenzuela who actually is dressed decent and looks like a good guy. He has a decent voice even though he sung the sappiest song ever - "Unchained Melody". He needs some eyebrow plucking too. His kids were there with him so he got the benefit out the doubt and made it to Hollywood as I think they were getting desperate to get some people to Hollywood that will never make it.

Next we see Dalton Powell, the Rubik's Cube master. Actually, he was pretty impressive with cube but quite pathetic as a singer. He had such a high pitched voice, almost as if his penis was slammed in a car door and was in some major pain.

Akilah Askew-Gohlston was up next and she has dreams of becoming a gospel singer and studies by using biology diagrams. It doesn't help that she can't even pronounce half of the body parts correctly. She has these blonde braids and is shaped like a Weeble. The first line of her singing went "I want to make sweet love to you." GROSS ! Her voice was very crackly and I started to lose interest in her. It didn't help that the producers gave this moron about 10 minutes of air time. ENOUGH. She better have some other career aspirations or she's gonna have a long, long, long life.

Then, this is what bothered me. We see three good auditions - John Twiford, Allison Iraheta, and Raquel Houghton. Why didn't wee actually get to hear more than three seconds of their voice? Instead we had to sit through Akilah and the Bee.

Following that was Annie Murdoch. She's the dump blond who didn't even know what she was going to sing before entering the room. She looked like a drunk Courtney Thorne Smith and her voice was off-key. I almost got a Jujubee jammed in my throat when I heard her first lyric come out of her mouth. She was very clueless and indecisive. For her sake, she better marry rich because she's too dumb to secure a job.

Then came Adam Lambert who had a David Cookish kind of look to him. He also looked a bit like Jerry O'Connell dressed as Fall Out Boy. This guy had personality so you knew he was going to have decent pipes. He chose to sing "Bohemian Rhapsody" and did a great job. Yeah, I agree with Simon that it was a bit Broadway but I liked it. They'll fix him up a bit and little girls will love him. I think he is a lock to make the Top 5 and could even go further depending on how he chooses to portray himself - a rock star or a broadway star.

Finally, this boring show was going to end with Kai Kalama. When I first saw him, I thought - hmmmm...good looking terrorist. But, that turned around quickly when I heard him speak and found out that he takes care of his mom while playing music at night. I didn't love his song choice; a song from The Platters. I would have loved to have heard something more recent. However, he was GREAT and could easily be in the Top 12 as well.

So, the show ended on an upbeat note with Adam and Kai but the rest of the show was complete garbage. At least we are half way to the Hollywood round; only three more painful nights of auditions before things get interesting.

But until then...Birdman Out.