We all know that each season, the final two contestants have to sing that sappy coronation song that is written for them. All of these songs are basically saying the same thing, have the same lyrics, have a similar tune, and are like a tree - sappy. So, before we get started, I decided to write the chorus of what should be this year's final song since I think it will sound something like this: (I won't EVER be singing this out loud)
"A moment like this,"
is so special because,
"this is the night,"
where I'll be,
"flying without wings,"
ooooh and since,
"I believe," that,
"inside your heaven,"
I'll truly wonder,
"do I make you proud,"
knowing that this is "my destiny,"
and "this is my now,"
all because this is the "time of my life,"
while "in this moment."
So, we now have season favorite Adam Lambert vs underdog Kris Allen. For the second year in a row, it's an all male finale. In the past seven seasons, there really hasn't been a major upset in the finals. Kelly was easily going to be Guarini in season one. The Rueben / Clay battle was probably one of the closest and even though Rueben won, that was probably the wrong result. Fantasia, despite how horrific she was, never was going to lose to Diana Degarmo. Carrie Underwood easily took care of Bo Bice. Taylor Hicks got by McFever even though Daughtry owned that season. Jordan Sparks destroyed Blake Lewis. Wonder where Blake is now. Stay tuned to VH1's: Where Are They Now Idol Edition to find out. And last year was probably the closest contest to date with Cook beating Archuleta in the battle of the David's. So, history says that Adam Lambert is our next American Idol but until that confetti is falling on his head, you never know.
Before we critique the performances, let's just do what they do on Survivor and reminisce about this season's fallen contestants:
There was the magic number of 13 this year instead of 12 but 13 was the unlucky number for Jasmine Murray. She was basically this year's Lisa Tucker or Stefanie Edwards, the chick who had a great voice in auditions but disappointed when the pressure was on. Next to get booted was Jorge Nunez. I need captions to understand what this dude was saying. I thought he may have gone a few weeks longer but O.F.W. - Oh Freggin Well. Then, sweet little Alexis Grace got shit-canned. Maybe it was the pink streaks in her hair or maybe it was just some pathetic song choices. She's now working at your local CVS. Michael Sarver is back on his oil rig. In his free time, he's learning how to dance with aspirations of being on the new FOX spin-off, "Dancing With The Ex-Idol Stars." Then, it was Megan Joy, or Megan Joy Corkery, or Megan's turn or whatever the heck her name was for that week. She was the tattooed arm girl who could sing as well as a duck with lyrangitis. She was just as painful as listening to Mikelah Gordon. Then, one of my favorite Idol contestants that I thought should have gone farther, Blind Guy, Scott MacIntyre. You watch, this guy is this decade's N.B.B.S. - Next Big Blind Star. The most disappointing singer in Lil Rounds got fired next. Lil should have been so good but just didn't bring it more than once or twice. She just wasn't getting the judges comments. I miss her a Lil bit...NOT. Anoop Dawg was next to fly the coup. He's currently getting electrolysis for his uni-brow. He could have gone a week or two further if it weren't' for people voting for that red headed girl. Then it was Matt's turn to say good-bye. Matt could have gone further but he was inconsistent having his good weeks and bad weeks. But, the judges save helped the dueling piano player last a bit longer. Surviving longer than she should have was Allison Irritating. Her voice annoyed me more than Fantasia and that bitch with the squeaky voice - Paris Bennett. Allison will be irritating no more. She's back in her trailer park making a spam and cheese sandwich while practicing singing into her cassette recorder. Then, in this season's biggest upset to date, Danny "my wife died" Gokey took the fall. It was a bit shocking but he didn't have that WOW song that David Cook brought almost each week last year. So, for the first time, I was wrong and the D.W.C. - Dead Wife Card - didn't pan out as I expected. This leaves us with Kris Allen vs. Adam Lambert and this is how it went down:
The contestants first song was their favorite from the season. Adam was up first doing "Mad World." I had a feeling he was going to chose over the U2 song he recently sang. I'm not a huge fan of "Mad World" as it's quite boring to me. You can't really knock the performance as it was the song that got Paula and Kara wet all season long. Kris chose "Ain't No Sunshine" which was a great choice. It was either "Sunshine" or that Kanye West song he recently sang. He changed up the song so much it made you even forget that Christina Christian sang that song in season 1. Basically after the first round, it was close but I'd probably give the edge to Kris but not my much more than the width of a pubic hair.
Simon Fuller chose songs to be sung for the next round. Adam put his spin on Sam Cooke's "A Change Is Gonna Come" and he did his thing up there. He didn't go too over the top like he can do in some performances and I thought he did a good job based on the song that was given to him. As for Kris, he got stuck with Marvin Gaye's "What's Going On" which is one of those songs you always hear sung at a Kerokee or Open Mic Night. This was a horrible choice of a song for not just Kris, but for any contestant this late in the game. I would have liked to have seen Kris make it a bit more his own but the song was just not right for him. He did the best he could with it but not my favorite Kris performance. So, the battle was now tied 1-1 with one round to go.
This year's coronation song or single was written by none other than Kara DioGuardi. First of all, they need to get rid of this girl. She has been so annoying all season and slows down the flow of the show too much having a 4th judge. Plus, every show runs over the allotted time. And most importantly, she's annoying. So, they give this chick the song to write and it could be the worst single written for the finals since Taylor Hicks' "Do I Make You Proud." Right in the 2nd sentence of the song, the lyric is "every moment lasts forever." Oye Vey. There is that word "Moment." The song is called "No Boundaries." Just listen to this: "With every step you climb another mountain, with ever breath it's harder to believe..." If that's not enough to make you puke, I'm not sure what is.
Anyway, first up to sing this S.S. - Shitty Song - is Adam. Basically, sung well for a crap song. Kris then takes a stab at it and the song is so much worse for him. I think he could have even botched a lyric in the middle. But, 3/4ths of the judges said, let's not judge them on this final song and judge them on the entire season. Basically, they are saying the song sucked compared to other songs they've used in the past. The fact that the song was so bad should be enough to kick Kara off of Idol. What is embarrassing is that the song is going to get millions of downloads and tons of radio play from the winner but let's hope people with ears not full of wax realize that the song is horrific and do not give Kara the praise she doesn't deserve. Based on singing alone, Adam wins round #3.
However, it is now in the hands of the American public. Shawn Johnson pulled a huge upset on Dancing With The Stars. Can Kris Allen pull the same type of upset and win American Idol? This is the first year I can remember where I really don't care who wins. However, based on consistency and originality throughout the entire season, I think this year's winner will belong to the Rum Tum Tugger himself, Mr. Adam Lambert.
It's been a fun year. I'll say good-bye now incase I'm watching the finals tonight in the hospital. I'll be like, "Ilisa...hold the baby in for 10 more minutes...they are about to announce the winner." And this year winner is.... Push, Push, Push...it's a baby........
See ya tomorrow of next year...Birdman Out.
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